I've written this whole thing while listening to this, so for maximum effect, play this while you're reading.
We're doing another one of these, huh?
Hey. You probably haven't heard of me in a while.
I've been around, but I've been mostly keeping it for myself. I've done a lot of thinking, and attempted to a lot of things, to varying degrees of success and satisfaction. And I think the best way to summarize this year is with one phrase; Waste of potential.
The year actually started well, with new opportunities opening up to me, a promise of a new, better job, and me moving to a newer, bigger house with my new family. In comparision to my older situation, where I'd live on a broken house, where it would rain where I slept, and I lived with a family that was a detriment to my life as a whole, this was quite a nice change of pace I've had when going from 2023 to 2024. And I've been living with them for a year now. They can be a litle bit too much from time to time, but it's undeniable that they're good for me. I can actually say I have a good, real family now. A family that actually likes and respects me, and in general, the fact they rely on me and my help makes me feel like I'm in control of my own life. I've spent a whole life with people constantly running their issues with me, only for me to solve them and they seemingly never credit or acknowledge my feats. But now, not only I'm acknowledged, I'm respected and looked upon as a good example, and that does make me very happy.
And a while before the end of December, I've completely cutted ties with my old family, with the exception of my dad and one of my cousins (because he works on the same place I do, plus, he's alright.), and that felt like letting a huge weight go. The more I see myself distant from them and everything to do with them, the happier I see myself, and I plan to keep doing that until they're all gone for good.
This is probably one of the few truly good things about this year
Because the rest is either pretty boring, or just outright pretty bad.
The first thing is my job.
More than ever, my job at the newspaper factory has been making me feel utterly defeated
I've had days where I'd sleep on my job for hours on end, and still find myself sleeping through the whole day because of how tired I am. So my life has been pretty much fully dedicated to my job, and that made me unable to work and learn on a lot of the things I was planning to work this year. Which includes RootPain.com
RootPain.com is still something I'm always thinking about at the back of my head
It's my passion project, and I still have a ton of ideas for it, some of them that I plan to work on for the "City Era" when I get there. But my job and other issues going around with my life have left me unable to find that drive I had when I first made my website, or even joined Newgrounds. I've started this year wanting to improve my works and my relations, and by the end of it, I've managed to do both of those things, but in a very halted, unorthodox way, and I've had to lose a lot in order to reach these improvements.
When I was on my vacation, I've met this guy online, and we started dating for a while
We even ended up meeting on a shopping nearby. It was kinda cool, and he was kinda cute
But the more time I spent with him, specially towards the end of our relationship. He just wasn't for me.
But the real loss was with one of my friends
We just had a really stupid discussion (over something that honestly shouldn't have been an issue to begin with), and instead of entertaining stupidity, I just decided to leave for a while (about four or five days?) and come back later when I was ready to forget all of it, afterall, I wasn't going to throw my friendship with someone I like a lot over bullshit drama
Too bad they don't think the fucking same, because instead of acknowledging how retarded that whole ordeal was, they instead decided to pin the blame on me and end things right there.
They said I was just ok with letting them go that easily, but what was I supposed to do? Force him to stay?
Specially after I've already fought teeth and nail to keep him around the first time?
At one point, you just have to stop fighting.
So we went our separate ways.
He may be gone, but I haven't stopped to think about him one day.
And this deeply affected me through the remainder of the year
I've felt so lost, and honestly empty. I felt like I didn't mean anything, and everyone else could just leave like that over nothing, even after claiming how much they love me.
So I closed myself. I pushed people away. I fell back into old habits, and for a while, I saw that angry, dissatisfied person I used to be coming back to once again halt and take away all the progress I've made these past few years. But just as much as I've felt abandoned, A lot of people started to come to my aid when I needed them the most. They've shown how much they like me, not for what I pretend to be, or the character that I've made for myself, but because of me.
I've seen people I haven't talked in a good year or so come to me and tell me how much I've helped
How much my bits and little jokes made them laugh, some of them even telling me how much my bits changed them, and how they've even adapted some of my jokes into their daily life.
I've seen people tell me that they've seen me change, and that I'm a far better person than I used to be a few years ago when we first met. And in general, I've made friendships with people that I was never expecting to befriend in a million years.
I even ended up meeting the artist that inspired my current sprite art by complete chance on a game I play from time to time, and her telling me that meeting me was amazing, makes me feel very happy.
In general, I've seen a lot of people I've met during the end of this year tell me that my humor and my way of doing things is charming. Instead of calling me annoying or unfunny, or telling me to stop talking, they've actively told me that they liked how I kept a conversation going, how pleasant it was talking to me, and that they just find me very funny and charming. And this has made me feel way more confident about myself and the way I see my own person.
These things got me thinking a lot
I used to be very afraid of being annoying and unfunny, so I was constantly trying to change myself and my humor to try and please everyone. But more so than ever, specially after everything that I've taken into consideration, from friends, strangers, and even my own family, I'm fine with just doing my own thing. I am very happy, not despite of my faults, but in spite of it. Those things makes me who I am, and the reason why some people ended up liking (and some hating) me as much as they do, and I embrace this fact, and I've been feeling like I've been more genuine than I've been in my entire life, and for once, I'm not playing a character I've made for myself to try and get people to like me any longer.
I'm still missing a lot of people, and I wish things could have gone differently, but it's too late for that now, isn't it?
I've definitely improved, not only as a creative, but mostly as a person
I've taken some hits to get here, and some things definitely could have been avoided, but I guess that's just life for you.
This year has been a confusing, and honestly tiring one
"Waste of potential" is the phrase I'd use to describe it
So let's make the next one a better one, shall we?
My main plans for 2025 is to:
-Resume work on RootPain.com and implement the "City Era"
-Improve my relations, both online and offline
-Decrease the size of my circles, and only leave people I actually like and trust instead of constantly trying to network and befriend everyone (AKA Downsizing)
-Work on more things and improve my crafts as much as I can
-Get a better job, if possible
-Vape on GMod more (this one is done already)
And that's it.
I normally would mention a few people that made my year a better one at the end of these sort of posts, but you know who you are.
I want to thank you all, both on and off Newgrounds for keeping up with me and supporting me along the way
You're going to hear more from me next year, I can promise you. I'm very hard to get rid off.
And before I wrap this up: I actually made a little song for kaiakairo's game, Timmy Christmas, and it has yours truly singing. This has been easily the highlight of my year and career, and I can't not mention this in here. Go play it if you wanna have a good time.
That's it everyone
Happy new year. May you find everything you seek.
Godspeed.
-June Santos, The No More Hero
