It's really hard to know what to say at times like these

I haven't been exactly active in here per se, I have been around, interacting here and there, liking art, maybe a comment or another, but that's about it. So when I got the notification that I was selected to be the user of the day, it blew my fucking mind.

I know User Of The Day is mostly random, but I do feel like in a way, it's deserved

I've been around here for quite a while, even before this current account was made, I've been sticking with NG for my whole life, and after getting my first frontpage with the last art piece I've made, getting User Of The Day almost feels like closing the book with one last trophy, it feels pretty good.

I have to thank everyone that has supported me through these years, and the friends I've made on this community

I've met some of the nicest and coolest people out there, and I'm lucky to be friends with so many cool and talented people, and I don't think I'd be where I am if not for them.

But on a side note...

Where have I been? Didn't I tell everyone I'd be more active and that I was working on some things on the background?

For a while, I was. I was slowly chipping away one of my projects I've been working for years now, one of my webcomics that's been sitting on the concepting and refinement phases for quite some time now, for almost a decade at this point, it was supposed to enter the actual production phase, and I was even planning on getting some help with backgrounds or art with a few people, but then, a lot happened, and it made working on anything incredibly painful, and eventually, I'd slowly lose that drive to work on it or anything, and eventually I just stopped

And while on this hiatus, I started to think a lot of what I wanted for me and my future

I still liked some aspects of art, and creating is still fun in lots of ways, but at the same time, it's not something that exactly brings me joy. I'd spend 5 to 6 hours on a single piece, and I'd either make something that simply did not satisfy me, or when I'd be finished, I'd feel good about it for about a few days, until looking back into what I've made and feel bad about it later.

I always felt like despite my love for art, I wasn't really made for it, if that makes any sense

But then I slowly started to interact with other communities outside of my own group, I've started to see the current state of the art world/art community is, and everything about it genuinely disgusted me.

The way people would only "befriend" you if you had numbers or something to be leeched from, with a lot of them not wanting "friends", but only "mutuals", ways to expand their circles and boost their numbers, indepednently of the fact that they like each other or not. The way some people are constantly imposing what's good, what's right, and how you should do things on your art, even though these exact same people are responsible for creating some of the most boring and forgettable creations out there, to the point it's not even worth shitting on, this constantly chasing of trends and numbers, and how the art world is devolving, disgusted me to my very core, and it made me reconsider if I really wanted to be part of something like this, to live in a world where I can't trust anyone, because I can't tell if they like me, or if they want to leech from me, and I didn't, so I just ended up giving up on the whole art thing, and for months now, a lot of the files and projects I had are sitting on hold, and they'll very likely stay unfinished, maybe I'll release some of them in the future, and I haven't touched any art programs for quite a while now, with the last time I've had an art break like that being back in 2018, where I would only touch something art related two years later, somewhere around 2020

It doesn't mean I can't work on things anymore, in fact, some of my friends did invite me to work with them on their own cartoons and creations, and you might even see me make a cameo here and there, but my interest to participate on creating and being part of the art community is dead. One of the few reasons why I've pursued art for as long as I did, was the aspect that I'd be able to meet new people and make new friends, and with that incentive gone, I don't see why I should bother.

A lot of my art has been archived, and maybe in the future, I'll republish it again, but for my creations, this is it for now.

And the main reason why I've been so sad has mostly been a private matter

Not naming any names, but someone I liked a lot has hurted me a lot lately, and I'm still not okay with it

Ironically, I've connected and reconnected with a lot of people because of this whole ordeal, but I still feel defeated because of one person, and I haven't been taking it well

It's not that I don't love them anymore, but it feels like they keep running away from compromise

We try to talk things out, but we never seem to see each other eye to eye

They told me things that left me bleeding really badly, to the point I keep remembering about them on a daily basis, and it always makes me feel like complete shit

We keep running in circles, they promise me they'll do something, they promise me they'll show that I can trust them, but I'm left here, bleeding, waiting for them to take any sort of attitude, and it's hard to not feel like they're sitting here, waiting, hoping for me to forget about these promises so they can have things their ways, but I don't, and I won't forget it.

I still talk to them from time to time, and I still like them a lot, but every time we talk, it always feels like there's something holding us back from just putting this all behind us

I want to forgive them and move past everything, but when they can't even honor their word, when they keep pretending there's nothing wrong, it's hard for me to. I want to forgive them, but when they insist on trying to keep the problem around, instead of dealing with it like promised, it's nigh impossible for me to forgive them, specially with all of the things they've said to me, and even if they didn't mean it, it still leaves me hurting, these things echo to me on a daily basis, and it makes me feel miserable every day

It hurts to look at someone you still clearly love, and feel bad about it at every time, it makes me want to cry, because I still want to believe there's hope, but at the same time, everything is pointing towards the worst, and I'm just waiting here until things finally break, either because they're done, or because I won't be able to carry on any further

I still want to believe on this, but I'd be lying if things weren't looking grim

So, that's it for me?

For now, yes.

Does that mean I'm gone for good?

Fuck no, have you ever seen me?

People hate me, and a lot of them tried to take me down from time to time, but that never works, because at one point, I always come back, either because something sparked on me again, or out of spite, because I won't let people celebrate my downfall and sit here and just be okay with it.

But for now, I don't know what to do, so I'm just resting my case, focusing on fixing and improving my life before trying to tackle big things again, and despite the fact things are looking grim, I do have hope that something good will come, one way or the other

I will be back, either you or I, like it or not

Thanks for all of the support, and for being so nice to me through these years, even when I completely did not deserve it

I won't promise I'll make up for it, but I'll sure as hell try

I will see you when I see you.

-June S. Sai (A.K.A RootPain)